When I walked to the park the other day, here's what caught my attention in this scene, in order of appearance:
After sitting there for awhile, it occurred to me that I didn't even look at or acknowledge her baby.
Without thinking, I applied filters to the scene, like this:
* * *
I love family, I love the idea of marriage and children.
I'm single, in my 40s and I don't have children.
Not having those in my life, I can see now that I've learned to apply filters. Too painful otherwise.
These filters are like lenses.
I think back 10 years ago, when I was more interested in detachment and self-protection.
One thing I love about getting older is caring less about being cool. But as I consciously become more open and less cool, I notice some losses from trying to be cool. An easy one? When I was younger I wouldn't do the electric slide at weddings -- too lame. Now I'm taking a hip-hop dance class that I adore. But I'm the only one who still doesn't know how to do the cool-down.
It's the electric slide.
* * *
The same day I noticed the baby blocker filters at the park, I made an effort to not avoid baby and family scenes. I watched a dad teasing his baby adoringly. My heart tugged.
But I was okay. Next I waited in line behind a father holding his child, being ever so tender.
While he was sweetly attentive to his baby, I made sure I didn't apply the jaded detached filter of cool. But my eyes watered. When I got to my car, I sat and cried.
But I was still okay.
Even though I felt sad, it was a genuine, direct sadness based on the heart of the matter (possibly still wanting to mother). I was being a better listener to myself.
7 comments:
I am not single, but I do not have children and sometimes feel pretty isolated when surround by women my age with kids and babies. My husband and I are childless by choice. Also, it is so hard to be friends with a woman once she becomes a mom and I am not. There is a big detachment there. I started my blog as a response to Mommy Blogs, but I still have a hard time getting an audience. I think sometimes a genuine feeling of sadness followed by a good cry feels so much better in the long run than numbness. Keep up the amazing blog.
Hi thisisyourwife,
thanks for the note. I agree with you on the genuine sadness and a good cathartic cry -- it helps locate what i call the 'front door yes' as opposed to the backdoor yes. That might be an upcoming blog post. Thanks for coming back and reading!
You have great insight. As a single, over 50, introvert who loves to draw, I'm hoping to see more of your posts.
Sherry
eileen thank you for directing me to your post! I have always enjoyed your perspective on things. As a mother I will say that when my boys were really young it was harder to relate to other women my age who didn't have kids; how to explain why I hadn't showered in 3 days and had food on my shirt. As my kids have grown older and are becoming more autonomous young men, my social circle/net is increasing by leaps and bounds. I still have dear friends from pre-school groups that I haven't "outgrown". There are others, however, that I simply can't relate to anymore. Not because I don't care for them, but because the only thing we had in common was our young children. I also have newer and/or rediscovered friends that are directly tied to my personal interests. (It's wonderful when there is an overlap!) I love this "new" independence. I have to say though, anytime I see a new mom or dad with their baby I also get very weepy. Not for the same reasons neccessarily. I am nostalgic for that intense closeness. I miss my children needing me that much. I do like being able to shower everyday though! I look forward to reading/following more of your posts!
This is powerful and amazing stuff Eileen. We adopted, so I have mixed reactions to parents with infants. I wonder if it matters that I never held mine as babies or changed diapers. I don't think so, but I don't and won't ever know.
Thanks for sharing this and keep it up.
Ogle
Absolutely wonderful.
Love all the comments, friends. Ogle, it's interesting that I wrote this from the perspective of mothering but that guys have commented that this struck a chord with them too. Danielle, thanks for your perspective about the community of mothers and that you get emotional seeing infants too. when i took care of my nieces when they were younger, i quickly realized there is a window in which to shower each day -- miss it and you don't shower. D. Bethel and Sherry, thanks for leaving a kind note. Or as D. Bethel says to'keep a good thought'.
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