Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Birthday Measures

Every year before my birthday, like clockwork, I get sad.

It's not because I'm getting older.

It's more looking at what I've accomplished, and then reevaluating what's really important to me. And if I'm closer to bringing that to fruition.  Existential stuff.

I hadn't noticed the effect of this pattern until my friend was talking about his birthday parties (which precede my birthday by a week)

I'd been voluntarily grounding myself before my birthday, feeling sad.

It's funny that I tend to be so measureful about time and accomplishment. 
I've never said 'You only go around once.' 
If I did, I would feel guilty watching Bravo docudramas. 

I do believe down time is underrated

My next birthday is near. 
But this year I was hip to the pattern. Since I saw it coming I could anticipate and avoid the voluntary grounding.
I was among the living. And I went to my friend's birthday party. 
Instead of holing up, I was showing up.
Instead of feeling paralyzed about the past and the future, I hung out in the present.
The measureful sad was still there but it wasn't the only focus.  I simply folded it up and packed it into my purse before I went out - one piece but not the whole picture.